Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Women's Week at the Gym

I received this as an email from a friend, and it made me laugh so hard I was unable to forward. I can't take credit for writing it, unfortunately.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


There, now I have your attention.

I found out last month that my brother has breast cancer. Yes, guys, it is possible. Rare, but it does happen. What a wake-up call. My only brother, who I've only gotten along with since we've grown up. It's funny how you take things for granted, that the ones you love are always going to be there. Then something like this rears its ugly head and scares the crap out of you, and you realize how important certain people are to you. Even a big brother that did his best to antagonize me endlessly growing up, but now I realize really always did have my back. Thank God, it looks like they got it all and he's going to be fine.

One good thing that came out of this, or funny or ironic if you want to call it that; I promised the hubby that I would get my own mammogram.

Now, ladies, (and gents, I guess I should add) If you've never had one, let me enlighten you. It doesn't hurt as bad as everyone says it does. Until a certain point. She kept getting a bad angle, so she had me stick just the end of my breast between the extremely cold .... I don't know what you call it, I liken it to a George Foreman grill, and they pressed down on the end. OUCH! That part freakin hurt!!!! I kept hearing in my head Mel Brooks from Men in Tights - "We just nip the tip!"
So you have the lady basically doing everything with your breast but throwing it over her shoulder like a napsack, really - leave your inhibitions in the waiting room. Then she says, ok, now we're going to stick your entire breast in, but we can't get anything else in there, so stick your butt out and back away. Yeah, you're picturing it correctly. My boob is stuck in the Foreman grill, flat as a pancake, and I'm backed up like I'm running away from my breast. Lovely. After she does the scans, she leaves the room to make sure they came out, and you're done. Usually. Like I said, she got bad angles, so she kept coming back in and doing more. Like 4 times. By this time, I'm picturing my breasts will end up totally deflated and hanging to my knees like sad little punctured balloons.

And guess what - they found something! Ha ha, right? Boy, things just keep getting better and better! Last week, I woke up one morning with the weirdest feeling, like some gigantic shoe was about to drop. I hate those feelings, cause I've had them before, and inevitably, I'm wrong. Which, is good I guess, but... Anyway, I had this feeling of waiting, for what I didn't know, but then the phone rings, and it's my doc's office, saying the mammo came back with 'something' and they recommended another scan and ultrasound.

What a long week.

So, today I go back. First off, the doc is an hour late, due to the weather. So I'm laying on the table for most of this hour, dozing, then frantically shaking myself awake so I can keep holding onto the gown that threatens to fall open and show anyone who happens to be walking by!

He finally gets there, I've never met him before, but he's this tiny little Pakistani guy with a bad wig and TONS of cologne. He walks in the door, doesn't say a word about my having to wait, and says, "So, you ready?"

Sure, you sweet talker you.

"Ok," he says, "We doing a pelvic, right?" At least not on me, you're not.

I correct him, and he says, "Oh, right. Lay down."

Ok, it takes him 10 minutes to get the ultrasound machine ready, he's fiddling around with the controls like he's never seen it before. I lay back, he tells me to uncover, and I SWEAR he looks at it for like a minute! before he turns back to the machine. He actually clapped his hands and rubbed them together, like he was sitting down to a feast!

Go ahead dude, bask in their magnificence, just get the job done.

So he squirts that goo crap on the ... well, I don't know what you call that either, but we'll call it his magic wand. (he he, no jokes, please) And proceeds to push it around on my oobie.

For a half hour.

Then he finally says, "This is difficult to find. You's tough to see...I can't.."

"Here, can you hold it up for me?"

Like I'm not embarrassed enough at this point, now I have to hold it up myself? What kind of service is this??

So he looks some more, then he finally finds it. I can see on the screen it's about the size of a 50 cent piece, and I'm thinking, that can't be good. And he says, "Do you know what a breast mouse is?"

Breast mouse?

All these comical things are running through my head, and I'm trying not to laugh, but come on. I ask him what it is, and he says, it's a fibrous tumor that can't be felt with the fingers, because it basically slides around. Ok, I can see it now, my obit - she was killed by a breast mouse. Hilarious.

He says, "It looks kind of..benign."

Kind of benign? Gee, I feel loads better! Thanks, dude. And you're kind of retarded.

Well, finally we get done, and he says he's not concerned about it, (Oh, YOU are not concerned. Thanks for that!) and that he will send a report to my usual doc. I love the waiting game. Like you have nothing better to do than wait. I swear they do that on purpose.

So, yeah, it's been a crappy couple of weeks. I'm staying positive though. My brother's going to be ok. I'm losing the best job in the world, but I figure God has something better lined up. Whatever these tests turn out to be, will be; I mean, it looks like it's going to be nothing, but whatever it is, I'll deal with it. I have to. Got too much crap going on! LOL! So don't worry, the Trixie ain't going anywhere for a long time!

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Trixie is no longer employed

Yep. It's true. Or will be, at least, after February. My dream job is ending. Thanks to our wonderful economy the shop is closing.
I hate to say my pessimistic side came out, but I sort of knew it was coming. Nothing could be that perfect. The kind of job where you can't wait to get up in the morning and go in. I loved everything about it! (Well except for smelly ladies, but I digress...(see earlier post)
I'm not worried about finding something else, I know I will, it's just...damn! Not something so fun, and 5 minutes away from my house!
It's easy for the Trixie to wallow in it, but I feel really bad for my boss. She has been such a sweetie, and she was so upset, as anybody would be. It just sucks all around. So many people are losing their jobs, I know I'm lucky in that I didn't have to depend on my paycheck to feed my kids, but lots of people out there do. If I thought it would help, I'd get out there and vote in the election this year. As it stands I don't think any candidate is gonna do any better, but then, they can't do worse than Uncle Georgie did. Maybe we will luck out, and actually get a president that cares less about 'being right' or 'better than the other guy' or, 'not George Bush' and cares more about actually doing something for this country. Hey, anything can happen.

By the way, my resume is available upon request. :)

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Out with the old...

Merry belated Christmas to all of ya. And happy New Year. I had a long lengthy blog in mind, all about the joys of the past year; showing all my friends how I appreciate them, but the hubby beat me to it - now of course, I can't copy his entry. So, I'll just say, to all my friends (and you know who you are) how much I treasure you and every moment spent with you.

Now that THAT'S out of the way...

I am sitting here, Tuesday night, and planning all the self improvements I need to make. First and foremost, I want to lose some weight. See, I'm putting this in writing, so now I have to do it, lest I look like a complete failure. That goes along with exercising, which, as of right now, the spirit is willing, but...we'll see. I did manage to clean out Molly's dresser drawers of too-small clothes, so that's a start.
While I was thinking about what I need to get rid of, I was listening to the radio and heard some songs that I am just SO sick of, but for some reason, DJ's or whoever is in charge (who knows - maybe it's the Man?) think are still relevant. So, to go along with all the year-end lists that everybody is making, I came up with a whole list of songs that need to just disappear. Forever.

Trixie's Top 20 Songs Slated for Extinction

20. "Lullabye" - Shawn Mullins
I'm not even really sure why I hate this song. Something about the dialogue?
Dunno, really. Just annoying.

19. "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" - Billy Ocean
I may have liked this years ago, but you know it's got the most annoying first couple of words. "Hey, hey, YOU, YOU! Get into my car! Who me? Yes, you!" Sheer poetry. You gotta hate any song in which the guy has a conversation with himself.

18. Anything by Beyonce.
That may not be entirely fair, but, really, she needs to go away. A very talented, very beautiful lady, but every time I look at her now, I see her at the Oscars, trying so hard not to look like she wished death upon Jennifer Hudson.

17. "Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar
I do like this song. The only reason it's on the list is because every time, and I mean EVERY time it comes on the radio, Andrew has to act out the video. "If you leave this house/ Leave me alone!/ You're never coming back!) (Insert little brothers' sad window wave...) ARGH!!!

16. "Believe" - Cher
Believe me! I've spent enough time in gay bars; I'm a hag from way back! But even I get completely sick of this pseudo-electronica lament. Just shut up already.

15. "U and Ur Hand" - Pink
Cute phonetic spelling aside, try explaining this song to your 8 year old riding in the car. Thanks Pink.

14. "Silent Night" - Five for Fighting
How did they manage to take this beautiful classic and turn it into the wet chunk of phlegm that I heard 20 times a day leading up to Christmas?

13. "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred
Anybody that disagrees with me over this song should never be allowed to listen to music again. Ever.

12. "Sex and Candy" - Marcy Playground
Uh...gross?! Again, try explaining that to your kids. "Mommy, what does sex smell like?" Ew.

11. "Barbie Girl" - Aqua
You know what I'm talkin' bout. Let's not even get into the lyrics themselves - "wrapped in's fantastic." Again, ick. That voice - sounds like someone dropped a microphone into hell and that's what it sounds like down there.

10. "Everything I Do, I Do it for You" - Bryan Adams.
I had to choose one from Bryan, though I could have easily put in more. A song I probably did like back when, as a young twenty-something, pining for some lost love, I'm sure I was fond of that candy-coated piece of crap. Now, not so much.

9. "Final Countdown" - Europe
Ugh. In a word, that guy's voice blows.

8. "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
Miss this. Please.

7. "Your Love" - The Outfield
All in all, not a terrible song, but the voice! It must be what dogs hear.

6. "Wildfire" - Michael Martin Murphy
Do I have to say anything at this point? Anybody who grew up in the 70's had to deal with this song. This hideously depressing anthem the guy wrote after he had a dream about a girl and her ghost horse. So what if he was bummed out, did he have to bring down the rest of the world with him? And why the hell did this song become so popular anyway? Am I the only one who doesn't want or need to be taken down to the depths of depression? Or do people get off on that? Wait, obviously they do, see also: American Beauty.

5. "The Flame" - Cheap Trick
Yeah, again, gotta go with the crappy vocals. Where was Simon Cowell to tell these guys they can't sing worth a damn?

4. "Speed of Sound" - Coldplay
It's not because Chris Martin is probably the most overrated artist/genius? out there. Or the fact that he sounds like he gave up trying to sounds like a man years ago. It's not even because he and Gwyneth's pale and pastiness irritate me all over the place. It's for the simple fact that my husband KNOWS I detest this song and has to PLAY it all the freakin' time!!!!!!

3. "Lips of an Angel" - Hinder
Because any song where the guy brags about cheating on his woman, is only slightly remorseful about it, and justifies his treachery by the fact that, well, the chick was just too damn hot, sucks!

2. "Goodbye, My Almost Lover" - Who Cares?
Although this is a fairly new song, if I have to hear it one more time, I swear I will take my own life. Okay, you've had your heart broken, it's a shame you're the only one that's ever happened to!!!!

and the Number one Song that needs to disappear forever....

"We Built this City" - Starship
It should really be a law, that there is a finite number of times a song can be played. This song has TOTALLY gone over the mark, several million times over. Enough, please, God in Heaven. Retire this song!!!!!

Feel free to add your own in the comments!