Paradise by the Go Phone Light

So, for those of you who have their heads in the sand, and may not have seen the new GoPhone commercial with Meatloaf and Tiffany, I was curious enough to go find the long version on youtube. What I was curious about was, why Tiffany? More to the point, why have a semi-famous has-been float thru a video, carrying what looks to be a leg of lamb, to background sing one line? Cause you just don't see that every day. Is there any other purpose, I mean other than having people like my husband say, "Wow, Tiffany's rack got big!"? So, as I said, I found the longer version, and she does actually have more purpose for being in the commercial, and it's actually kinda cool.

Stupid is as stupid does.

I hate being stupid. No, I should say, I hate feeling stupid. If I were really stupid, I wouldn't know it, right? Hopefully.
Anyway, started the new job this week. I should have known when my boss and the gal interviewing me tried to warn me away from it. Phrases like, "strong learning curve" and "extreme multi-tasking" should have scared me.
Now we all know I have been out of the working world for quite a while. I haven't actually worked at a real job in...well, a really long time. Unless you count the 6 months at a scrapbook shop, that, while I loved it, quite frankly spoiled me. It was more fun than job anyway. Before that I was blessed to be able to stay home with the kids. Now that they're older, and economy being what it is, it's time to grow up and face the real world and get back into the workforce. So, I finally found a job with an animal hospital. Again, the doctor that hired me warned me that he had trained 3 people in the last three months who ended up quitting.
Red flag? Of course not! Cause I'm stupid.
I assured him that I could do the job. I wasn't scared by multi-tasking, I'm old enough to know what happens to sick puppies and kitties, I can handle bitchy customers. All of that was ok with me, I told him.
After 2 days on the job, I can honestly say last night I was tempted to quit. I have totally gotten in over my head. The computer system is completely daunting to me, and I have experience with computers. Checking in patients, extremely confusing how much paperwork goes into it. Making appointments, sounds easy in theory, but I have to know what vaccines each type of animal needs, and at what age they are supposed to get them, and order them up for the doc to perform. I'm supposed to know each of the flea/tick medication guidelines, which ones work for what parasite, which ones are poisonous to cats, which ones are done at which age. Endless. I know I will be given time to learn all this, but, like I said, I hate feeling stupid. I got chastised by the doc the first day because I called a dog an "animal." No. They are "pets" or "friends", or even "children". Right.
I am proud of myself that I was able to handle things I didn't think I would. I cleaned up more pee yesterday than I did training 2 kids. I watched them putting a big dog under anesthesia without wincing. I watched the doc lance a sebaceous cyst without barfing. Learned what was in the big old chest freezer in the corner without passing out. (Dead puppies by the way)
I worked til close last night, which was supposed to be 8, but didn't get out til 9:30, and I was so tired and emotional I was ready to quit. It didn't help when I got home to a crying 8 year old, who was sad cause Mommy wasn't there to tuck her in. No pressure there!
But I don't want to quit! I hate being a quitter and - no, actually I love being a quitter. That's the problem. I've quit everything I've ever tried. I'd like to finish something for once.
What I really hate is being a whiner. I know, you wouldn't guess that if you've been a loyal reader to the Trixie blog. But I actually do. Hate it, that is. I'm my own worst enemy in case you didn't get that. But aren't we all really?
I really want to do well at this, cause I really think I'm going to like it, once I learn a thing or two. Or twelve. Right now I feel like all I'm doing is standing around being dumb. Like a large ignorant lump. And it sucks.
Sorry, loyal readers, for ranting today. I promise I'll post something about Rachael later for you.

The latest issue of WTF?!!?

While perusing my map stats, to see just where people are finding Trixie, I finally found one that was not a google search for 'dirty rachael ray'. It was this gem:

Marbella, Andalucia, Spain
Time: 2:55 pm - April 25, 2008
Page: /2008/04/from-now-on-i-will-no...
Search: Google - Toothless grammas
Browser: Internet Explorer 7.0
OS: win|xp

Yeah. You read that right. Now I feel I must comment.

Dear Spanish Reader(if you can indeed read this)

While I appreciate the fact that you've stopped in to visit my blog, I do have to ask you...um, what is your malfunction? Toothless grammas? Really? You people are Googling far too much. I try to live and let live, but COME ON!! Get a life! You have a real problem. Honestly. I fear for you. That's just wrong on many many levels.

I'm intrigued, of course, but still...pretty sick dude.

Happy Anniversary to my Man!

Hey Baby,

We met 11 years ago today. I fell in love with you on our first date, when I first looked in your eyes and thought "Bingo". I thank God every single day that he brought you into my life. Thank YOU, for loving me more than I thought anyone could, for putting up with my moods, (no easy task, mind you!) for making me laugh when I'm down, comforting me when I'm sad, making me feel safe when I'm scared. For showing me every day how great it is to be married to your best friend. For loving my son, and showing him how to be a man. For giving me a beautiful daughter. You are an incredible man, a fantastic husband and father. I pray we have 100 more years together.
I love you. And I dedicate this video to you.

More tales of Unnecessary Censorship

Demotivational

Actual letter to Proctor & Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you **ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.


For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

shamelessly stolen from: this blog

LOLPrez

Individualized Education Plan

We had Alex's IEP meeting today. For those who don't know, an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) is exactly what it sounds like, a plan for your child customized to his/her needs for the next school year. Basically, whatever we decide we want for our child, legally the school has to abide by it. Like, if we wanted a clown to stand by his desk every afternoon and turn the pages of his book for him, they are obligated to do this. (Not that we would order this, but hey, it would be kinda cool.) We do twice of these a year, once at the beginning and again at the end of the year. It went pretty well, Alex actually got to sit in on this one. Which was a little weird for me. He got to sit in because this is the one slated for 'transition'. Meaning, your baby is growing up and you need to cut your apron strings Mom. I can remember going to these meetings in Kindergarten, and seeing that 'transition for 16 year olds' section and thinking to myself, that is SOOOO far away! Well, here it is. He will be 16 in a few short months. He has done so fabulously well battling this demon called Autism. I get choked up everytime I think about it. From the cute little 3 year old who wouldn't speak to anyone, to the handsome 15 year old who towers over me, with the facial hair and deep voice, who only cares about heavy metal and chicks. It went so freakin fast. Everybody says it does, when you have a baby, they say, "Oh, enjoy every minute, it will go by so fast!" And you think to yourself, yeah, I know, blah blah blah. And you do know, but you don't really KNOW, if you know what I mean.
So, anyway, back to transition. They ask us what our goals are for him, what career paths he is interested in, what social activities we want him to get involved with, etc. How long do we expect him to live with us post-graduation? I'm only half-joking when I say "Forever."
I don't want to think about these things. At all! Where will he go to college? Who will be the first bitch who breaks his heart? I know that's all coming soon. But I'm not ready!!! I will be one day, but especially with him, it will be so hard to let go and let him make his own mistakes. He's old enough to start driving for God's sake! I will need an endless supply of happy pills to get through this.

Aside to my own parents - I apologize for every single sleepless night I ever gave you; every time I yelled at you for worrying too much. I get it now, ok? Your curse worked.

Andy would like you all to know....

...He's brought the Sexy back!

PMS Survival Tips

Know it all

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Joke o' the day

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Learning new things every day

I know this Dude is from T County

List Of Actual Subtitles Used In Films Made In Hongkong

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Find yourself!

I KNEW I wasn't the only one who did this!

Megaton Maynard's Lost Mugshot - Revealed!

Stress Reliever

Here ya go. Click on it. You know you want to.

Wow. Words fail me.

I have heard some crazy stuff in my life, but nothing like this insane old woman that goes off on a telemarketer. What's even funnier is how calm this guy stays, which only ticks her off more. You can almost hear this lady's blood pressure soaring.

Neat.

Ok, this is a totally different movie than the one I saw!

Clay Aiken has become a lesbian.

see more crazy cat pics

From now on, I will no longer go anywhere without make-up ever again. EVER!

I hate Wal-mart. I always have to psych myself up to go. Wal-Mart, aside from all the obvious reasons to hate them (ya know; they put the little guy out of business, only buy from China, blah blah blah) it is not a great place to go for a germaphobe like me.
But, I was in a good mood when I got there. I went early, right after Molly left for school, cause I like to avoid the crowds. I was in a hurry to get there and get back, so I dressed very casually; jeans, my Big Dog hoodie, my Red Sox cap and a ponytail, and as mentioned earlier, no make-up. (Girls, you know how it is; when you dress up all week, some days you just don't want to have to worry about it, right? Am I right?)
So, I'm going thru the register, (the ONLY register out of 26 that's open! but I digress) and I see the lady working it is someone who's waited on me before. I can remember her because,
A.) She had the dull listless look of someone who's basically just waiting for the Lord to take her.
B.) Along with the other pins on her Wal-Mart mandated vest, right beside the one that said "I'd Rather Be Smoking" was one of those big picture badges of a small girl who she told me was her grandchild. (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE STORY - REMEMBER THIS)

I place my purchases on the sticky conveyor belt (You know how they have that questionaire on the pay pad- Was your store clean today? Notice they never ask if everything was sticky today, cause they know the answer! Wal-Mart is ALWAYS sticky!)
and she begins to ring up my Coca-Cola, Nutty Bars, Doritos, and beer
(Don't judge.)
As she's ringing up the beer, the register bings, and the message comes up "Is customer under 40?" to which she immediately clears the message, and the other cashier that is standing beside mine, a gray-hair who looks to have been able to have given birth to Moses, lets out a loud guffaw which briefly loosens her upper denture plate. I ask about this message, and my cashier says, "That's so stoopid, I don't know why they put thar!"
At this point, I'm still trying to be nice, and I comment that when I used to work at Drug Mart the management would try and trick us and send people thru to make sure we carded them. She answered, "I usually do if they look young!"

Again. "I usually do if they look young."

Finally it dawns on me what this horrid woman has just said.

"Um....you didn't ask to see my ID just now..." I say. Again, Toothless lets out another guffaw. She's brilliantly well-spoken.

Cashier looks up from her task with a panicked look, and I can tell what she's thinking: Shit. She's gonna fight with me now and I'll miss my Marlboro break!
So, then she's quick to try and fix it! In the phlegmy drawl that I've already come to know and love, she says, "Well I almost did, but I figured you were about our age."

"Our Age?" You and Toothless Magee?!?! A gramma and a gray hair?? Same age as me? Um, ok, how freakin' old do I look?"

OH! But it gets better! Cause, THEN she says, "You're what, early 30's right?"

Uh....is she trying to tell me that the two of them are in their early 30's? And that would mean, that in effect, I myself am OLDER than these two?

How bout I just throw myself under a bus right now?

The thing is, when did this happen? Do I look as haggard and hard as these 2 ladies?

I wasn't feeling the camaraderie that these cashiers were feeling. I didn't want to be lumped in with them. It's like, when I was in high school, I weighed 165 lbs. Now, I would kill to be that weight again, but in high school, of course, that's comparable to whale size. But I can remember very distinctly, being at a park, and this HUGE, and I mean huge! woman, tripped and fell, and when I helped her up, she thanked me, gave me a wink, and said, "Us big girls need to stick together!"
Ugh. Was my own perception that far off? That lady had rolls on her rolls. Seriously.

Anyway, I really don't like being obsessed about looks. I hate the people that are. I mean, I'm cute, I think; but I've never been a raving beauty, and I'll never be a model. I'm ok with that honestly; it helps your self-worth immensely to have a wicked hot guy like my hubby that can't keep his hands off me. Every time I see one of those cocky little Size 0's, I wanna throw baloney at them and say "Hell with you, I have more love than you'll ever have in your lifetime bitch." But I don't because that's mean.

And I don't mind getting older, (much) as long as I don't look too bad. And as long as Andy is still grabbin my butt when I'm 80, life will be good.

Friday goodness

"Mercy" - Duffy
As I was perusing the VH1 this morning, I noticed they accidentally played a video, and it, in my opinion, rocked! Never heard of her before, but, as my man put it, she has that Winehouse beat without the crackwhorish goodness!

I love the internet

You be the judge

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Korea's answer to Mick Fleetwood, or Animal from the Muppets?

(I know it's painful, but you have to watch it til the end, he really 'takes it home'. Put mute on if you can't take it.)

Happiness

Did you ever just run across a picture that makes you happy for no reason? I mean, not like the cute little "I can haz cheezburger" cats that I make all my readers look at. Just an honest to goodness, make ya warm and fuzzy, believe that all is right with the world picture. This would be mine:

Not really even sure why; maybe it's just because they LOOK so happy, or maybe it's because it lets the mind wander. Just what is happening at this time and place? What would force Jimmy Kimmel to dress up like Richard Simmons, and allow himself to be photographed even? Maybe it's because the jokes that could caption this photo are just endless. Who knows? Anyway, here's your little bite of happiness for the day.